The Eastern Lands

You know, after being a staunch advocate for West Melbourne all this time, I’m starting to think that maybe the rumours I heard were all lies. And the reason I think that is because I’ve been to the eastern suburbs, and it seemed quite nice.

I didn’t mean to go there at all, but I was trying to get to a wedding, my sat-nav just decided to conk out midway, and I thought I’d just wing it. Turns out I’m terrible with directions, because I was going for Carlton and I ended up in Ringwood. Ring…wood, I read off the sign, with a surge of horror. It was one of the forbidden eastern suburbs my parents warned me about, a desolate, shadowy place outside of everything the light touches. They didn’t even have electricians in the eastern suburbs, you know. They roasted their food on open fires, and wild dogs prowled the streets at night, picking off orphans.

Well…it looked fine. Plenty of cars, and also power lines, so there must be electricians here of some sort. At first I thought they must be relics of a bygone era, before the eastern suburbs collapsed into madness and it became a lawless zone where the cruel and desperate fight over the last remaining resources, but the rest of Ringwood didn’t really bear that out. In fact, I travelled through a few suburbs on my way out (I was very lost), and it seemed very nice. Again, normal people walking by with electronic gadgets, and not looking like they had to fight desperado-bandit-thief-vagabonds for the right to use the electricity. No one carried weapons, people walked funny looking dogs, and…well, if I’m honest, it all looked a bit NICER than the western suburbs.

Was it all…lies? I bet their residential electricians take less than two weeks to get in contact, don’t they?? I’m going to have to take all of this information back to confront the western elders over their treachery!