Phase eleven of ‘Project Get Car’ is in full swing. It’s been a painstaking process, but at long last…we’re at stage eleven. I’m starting to think that sending 365 gift baskets of muffins to the local car dealership, one every day for a year, may have been an unnecessary step. That was phase ten, but…each basket was six dollars, plus $2.50 delivery.
Take away one, carry the three…okay, that’s over three-thousand dollars I dropped on muffin gift baskets, all to gain the trust of car salesmen in the hopes they’ll just give me a car they had lying around. Probably should have just used that money to buy a car, in retrospect.
Alright, Plan B, phase fifteen: get window tinting for office. Melbourne has a lot of glare at the moment, non? This phase is even more elaborate, but at least it hasn’t involved muffin baskets. In fact, I haven’t even spent a single penny, or cent, or whatever.
You see, phases one-through-fourteen were to get my colleagues on side, plant specific documentation and propaganda extolling the virtues of tinting, and a tacit campaign of psychological warfare against the office manager to bend them to my will and make them my unwilling puppet. Wilson is now mine; I could snap my fingers and he’ll get me a coffee, no questions asked. But it’s not enough, because he’ll just go to the CEO in Melbourne and ask for office window tinting, and they’ll say no, because my influence hasn’t reached that far… yet.
So, the next phase will be to convert every single office, one by one. That’ll take me up to… oh, about phase forty-six, after which every single office will be clamouring for the best commercial window tinting Melbourne businesses can buy!
It’s all about the long game, you see. Patience, tactics, psychological warfare and, sometimes, even muffins. But eventually, you can get whatever you want. Hopefully including a car that’s worth more than $3000, otherwise I won’t be making a profit.
-I. Pavlova